The University of California, Davis: Students

Behold, all that the University deems necessary for an undergrad to survive. Or something like that.

Feeling… like life is moving far too quickly. Some days it still feels like I just got back from spring break, and here I am just three weeks from summer. I suppose it’s the quarter system. Or something. Or maybe as folks age their perception of time warps so that what seemed an age to a small child becomes a flash to an adult.

Does that mean I’m finally maturing? Perish the thought.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m really what people think of me. How much of it is perception and how much is “reality” or how much is immutably me? Every now and then I get this horrible wave of guilt that I’m not the golden child up on a pedestal that people seem to think I am. Sometimes I hate whatever it is that people perceive as one of my talents. All it does is set me apart from others, I can’t tell whether what I do is normal or not, but they seem to be able to. No matter how I try, I won’t be able to wrap my mind around the Feynman Lectures on physics, and I won’t be able to comprehend being unable to find the wry humor in Blake’s poetry. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I don’t think of myself as talented, it’s a label that has been attached to me. I’m still just an everyday human trying to struggle through this transition period, just another college student.
It’s kind of a relief to be just another student. Not always people having huge expectations of me. What’s really funny to me… no matter how hard I DON’T try, somehow it all manages to come together. If I didn’t have the ability to wrap my mind around things, I’d be just another dropout slacker wondering whether to flip burgers for a living or ask the eternal question of paper versus plastic.
I guess it’s not only that. I’m a master procrastinator, and my talent is pulling my junk together at the last minute in such a way that it’s not readily noticeable as the BS that it really is. The Internet was invented for people like me. Who don’t bother worrying about things till they’re nearly due. I think on my feet well enough to search and find and draw conclusions and change my mind whenever I get under deadline pressure.

Just trying to figure out the difference between people’s perceptions and my own self-perception.

Being a golden child ain’t easy, I’d much rather fit in.

~ by jackelopette on May 21, 2003.

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