It’s funny, some of the things I understand.

I don’t know if it’s come from me being a voracious reader, or all the relationships I’ve watched begin, rise, fade. Like the bits of light and spark that come from a bonfire, they’ve all burned themselves into my memories although I don’t know all the names and places and dates and reasons… Some last longer than others. Some spark other fires, other relationships and families.

I’m not so sure about fate and whether my life is directed and all that… still, the whole reason/season/lifetime thing still calls to me. Colleagues, buddies, friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, all those networks and endless evolutions have their places and times.

I don’t really believe in regretting any of my relationships. I don’t look back and wish to do it differently, I look back and relive the good memories when I’m lying awake on an early morning or a late night. I review them, hold them up to different lights, try to figure out what happened. But I wouldn’t do anything differently.

Some threads enter the tapestry and become the basis for a long-lasting, intricate theme full of meanings and subtleties. Maybe they stay forever; I haven’t known anyone long enough for that save family, of course. Some of those people I’ve never met or don’t recall meeting but they still influence my thoughts and emotions.

Others just dip in for a month or a year, then move along to someone else. It doesn’t even matter if there’s romance involved; some relationships simply fade without reason or tension. It was fun but now it’s over, and I’ve other territories to explore. Sometimes they fade away, then return as simple friendships. I know that’s happened with a few of mine.

I dunno. There’s such a rich world of people beyond this little circle. I’ve met a few of them; some have even become confidantes although (because?) they’re not part of the daily dramas. Alan and Ciaran, certainly. I tend to find that more with guys than girls. Regardless, though I’ve met them in person maybe once thus far, they’re a bit like storm anchors. Keeping me sane when the immediacy grows to be too much.

Anyway… I don’t regret much. The things I do regret are the ones I didn’t act on — but even those are quite rare. Only two come to mind, as far as relationships go. They’re really both the same thing; the same scene repeated with different settings and actors. I don’t think I’m all that hesitant anymore. I think I’ve finally learned – at least, if I didn’t take the last opportunity, I made damn sure he knew my intentions.

So. I mark it down to learning, and I can continue with this adventure. No blame, no regrets, just honesty and explanation. And though it’s couched in my own cryptic metaphors, I understand.

~ by jackelopette on August 22, 2005.

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