Fear is the mind-killer…

See, every time I sit down and try to think through this whole graduation thing, I end up scared that I’ll be unhappy, that I’ll be isolated and lonely, that I won’t be good enough… and it paralyzes me.

Utah was fun — hung out with Dee and Jodi and Drew and Uncle Buck, Paulette and Mom. Explored Temple Square and fell into the clutches of the sweet young missionaries (don’t worry, I didn’t convert). I also had some good networking opportunities. Which scares me. I’m afraid of the real world, I guess. I’ve got my nice happy chrysalis of school and friends, and changing that scares me.

It’s this whole “having lots and lots of choices” thing that makes me stop in my tracks.

It doesn’t help that in my Soc and CompLit classes we’ve been talking about man’s alienation from his world and all that fun stuff. A couple of weeks ago I was writing a paper for McLean on that very topic… about Westerners and how poorly we realize our dependence on Nature not just for physical sustenance but also spiritual blah blah blah. Now we’re reading The Lost Steps by Alejo Carpentier, about a completely disillusioned composer who leaves New York for the jungle, finds love, starts composing again, runs out of paper, and when he returns from his supply run finds that his lover has left him. He separates himself again from Nature and gets burnt. Oh, what a cheerful topic.

Writing about this stuff makes me feel very… raw, close to the surface emotionally, easily scratched and bruised. I guess it also doesn’t help that this year seems to be spiraling out of my control, out of the comfort that I’ve spent three years creating for myself.

There are things that I would dearly, dearly love to go back and change about my experience here at UC Davis. There are people and cultures here that I do not want to leave. Am I cutting myself off from life with these emotions? Am I voluntarily removing myself from life with all this? It’s easy for me to waste my days behind a computer screen or a book, to reassure myself that yes, I’m doing something good or at least harmless with my time… but I look around and take stock, and over the last three years I’ve stripped away a lot of the things I used to fill my time with… Computer Corps, crafts, music, the outdoors. I’m afraid that I’ll stay in this pattern for a long, long time because I’m too afraid to step outside my circle and change it.

I love Davis. I’m afraid that staying here will just hurt… as friends graduate and move on, as I stay in the familiar 4-H world and start growing roots… I suppose in some ways I’m very independent, and in others I rely on those around me. Hardly abnormal, but I don’t know which way to jump.

~ by jackelopette on March 8, 2006.

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