30 in 30 (Thanks Kris!) and a little morbid curiosity.

So there’s this challenge called “30 in 30” where one makes one post per day for 30 days. So, um, if I miss a day, I fail. Or something.

Anyway, I’m kind of taking it one moment at a time these days. With Carmina Burana capturing my excitement, papers stealing my time, finals and summer approaching, and the endless worrying about what I’ll do after graduation, I’ve been on edge for the last couple of weeks.

Tuesday night was the Outstanding Students reception. The whole time they were telling us how proud thry were, how much they knew we’d accomplish… the whole time I was there, I felt a little false. As though I were there without justification, since I’m so unsure of my goals and plans. I started wondering “what happens if I die or disappear right now? Not death in the sense of suicide and actively killing or annihilating myself, but death in the way that people are suddenly cut off from the world. The world continues for everyone but them, and there is no way to know what was in their hearts at that moment. It came to me that if I were to stop right then, I would be known by my accomplishments, the very ones that have seemed hollow to me. I would be known by my past achievements and my potential — not the disillusionment and self-doubt that I’ve been harboring for the last few months. I went through a few minutes of the food + reception after the assembly, talked with the Chancellor, all the while feeling out of place.

Before you get all worried and panicky, separate this from the idea of me feeling suicidal. I don’t. Death is something that I’m quite curious about, but have no desire to experience for myself until I’m ancient and completely decrepit. Yeesh.

Then yesterday morning I found out that Angelina M passed away in a car accident on her way back to Davis from her hometown. She wasn’t someone I knew well, but someone I definitely knew of and I could attach a face to her name. I’ve just met her a few times at Band-uh and at various campus events. She was honored at the assembly but wasn’t there to receive her award.

And with any aftermath… the world goes on without her. Everyone else is left to try to make sense of it, to grieve, to remember all the good things about her. That’s all we need, right? The good things about these people, not the constant measuring up and comparing and seeking the negative points and all of that crap.

Trite, I know, but I hope I leave a little more behind me than a bunch of useless documents and a huge stack of books.

~ by jackelopette on June 1, 2006.

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