The more things change, the more they stay the same…

The last few days have held enough reasons to rejoice in my old friends that I am ready for whatever fate throws my way.

It’s bittersweet, of course; none of us are in the same locations or frames of mind anymore. Some things have grown easier, some harder. There are friends with whom I’ve lost touch and would like to regain it. There are others, who still haunt the old relationships, whom I’d rather forget.

In reconnecting with the Ventura/Ojai folks I risk losing my Davis family – not because I lack affection for them but simply because I am not there. I find it hard not to follow my more immediate friends, though I know that in the long term I hold this place more deeply in my heart than I do Davis. I’ve near-brothers and near-sisters in both places – those friends of the heart that I could never leave wholly behind.

It’s hard, having to wait. Hard trying to convince myself of one place’s merits over another – and knowing that it all depends not on my choice but on someone else’s decisions. I haven’t spent so long a period at home since I moved into an apartment; it’s required a lot of adjustment but I’m finally content as an adult here, too.

I don’t recall ever dreaming of an escape from Ojai. Of course I’d go away to college, travel, learn, live, love in other places – but I never truly felt trapped here the way so many others do. I never minded the deep roots.

The more I wait for a way to stay in Davis, the more I’m quite satisfied to live in Ojai. I suppose that’s for the best, really – ready to live in either place, accept what comes.

I never saw a need to be jealous of my friends as their lives changed; I’ve always seen life as a series of chapters in an unfinished book. Characters move across the pages, recurring or not as their roles demand. There are some whose return I applaud again and again, no matter how long or how distant their absence. There are also some to whom there are things I’ll never say.

The closer I get to the answer I’ve been awaiting, the less I want to hear what I used to wish for… I keep telling myself it’s all right to feel as I do – that there are no rules for the post-college soul-searching I’ve been doing. It feels a bit *safe* to want to settle back here. I blame it on all the talk of dreams and excelling and proving oneself that we’ve all heard a thousand times before. Still, I don’t find it any easier.

So, consider me still in limbo. Assume that I’ve no answers, for assuredly I’ll let you know the moment I do.

~ by jackelopette on September 3, 2007.

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